You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
