can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
