She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
