Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
