omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
