He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
