the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sobbing to NWA
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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