What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
