So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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