haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
