i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
