I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
