Where is the hickey?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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