I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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