You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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