Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
