The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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