So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
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