6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Randomize
