In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
