Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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