living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
