Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
