Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
