wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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