and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
