I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
