I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
