so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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