My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
