I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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