I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
