im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
