he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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