I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
