I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
