update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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