she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You dont lie about slip and slides
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
