i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
