cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
