Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
