As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My life is pants optional.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
