My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
