Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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