I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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