After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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