We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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