part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
