So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
