Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
