I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
