found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
