i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
