White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
