Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
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Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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