you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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