Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
