Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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