i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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