i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
