God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
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I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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