Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
